Note: This is the revised version. I changed it from a murder to theft because the murder (which is actually a suicide) seems a bit harsh for a nursing home. It is still in the developing stage but gives you the idea. The original version is also here as a sub-page House Plant by Bob Goldstick a sing-a-long mystery stage is divided into two parts - the left side is the activity room of a convalescent hospital, small spinet piano on the left , walls are generally bare with some homemade pictures stuck up - like a preschool wall - , two residents in wheel chairs, very modest decor - minimalist left side of the stage is dark characters entertainer - Jack, 50 ish, friendly, flirty, old hippie activity director - Jane, mid 30's, dedicated, bawdy, old woman 1 - MARY, 80's, in wheel chair, has beginning alzheimers, dressed in night clothes, big slippers, carries teddy bear old woman 2- emily, 70's, wearing hawaiian mu mu, slippers, hair in curlers, always shuffles, never stops moving, never talks, old man Leonard - 80's, wearing shirt and tie, in wheel chair, mentally alert Harold, mary's son - 50's, business suit mentality detective - Act 1 scene 1 two residents in activity room - no one moving - long build on the lights to emphasize the boredom - nothing is happening - nothing has happened since they either ate or used the bathroom - that's all they do, eat,shit,piss and exist MARY - (yelling) - Don't touch my chair.- HELP! He's touching my chair. HELP! HELP! He's touching my chair. LEONARD OK OK Stop yelling. Do you have to yell all the time? MARY - Who are you? LEONARD You know who I am. 2 MARY - ! do ? (ignoring him) Nice to meet you. My name is Mary - (sings) For it was mary mary grand as any name can be LEONARD - That's always been one of my very,very favorite songs. You know Jack is coming to play today - MARY Yes, Jack? Piano Jack, Jacky, Jacky, are you wacky, Jacky LEONARD Oh MARY, Mary, wacky is something you know about.- But why Jack, he's not wacky, he's the best thing about this place. But here I go again. Talking like it means something. I must be wacky, and getting wackier by the moment. So why is Jack wacky? MARY - Wacky Jacky, wacky Jacky - (sings out of tune)wacky, wacky Jacky, won't take no Jack, Jack, why won't he take no Jack, it's his birthright, he won't take no Jack, (drifts off singing 'pick up the slack Jack') LEONARD - Hello, hello, MARY, MARY are you all right? (she sits dazed, eyes glazed over, motionless, - she mumbles rock a bye and good night) JANE - LEONARD, WHAT'S the yelling? Oh MARY. She can't hear you anymore. She comes and goes, comes and goes. you know that LEONARD LEONARD - Yeh I know. But I forget what I know so how am I supposed to know what I know? JANE - You know we're gonna have some music soon, some good old toe- tappin music 3 LEONARD - Great, boy I remember the Tommy Dorsey band. Now there was an orchestra. Me and the missus would dance for hours. We fell in love on the dance floor. We would just dance and dance, we couldn't stop JANE - I know what you mean. I used to get like that with my boyfriend, we just bogie down LEONARD - Oh a boyfriend. What's his name? JANE - He's not my boyfriend anymore. I guess we were never really boyfriend- girlfriend, we were just real close friends if you know what I mean. LEONARD - Oh? what happened? JANE - We were just checking it out.- See how it feels kind of thing, and he didn't want to get serious LEONARD I know how he feels. There are too many fish in the sea . You should have seen me at the senior center. Sometimes I was the only guy there. I'd dance till I dropped but then they'd all want to settle down. Hell I was the only game in town. but it still feels good to get chased. After begging for it all my life now its handed to me on a silver platter .... and me with no knife and fork - what a joke JANE- How was it for you when you were younger? LEONARD - (sings) Moonlight and roses bring wonderful memories of you (stops singing) - We made love. It wasn't all sex. Sex was a small part of it - too small if you ask me - but nobody asked me. We were into romance, flowers, dancing, kisses and caresses. Then after the kids came and we figured out what was happening it cut down on the sex part from almost nothing to - yeh I sort of remember 4 JANE - I liked the romance too but I get into the sex in a big way. my boyfriend couldn't ever say he didn't get enough. - I wore that poor sucker out, and had such a good time doing it LEONARD Shh, shh somebody will hear you JANE -Let them hear me. It ain't against the law. It's a shame you didn't enjoy it more when you had the chance. You guys are all the same. You say you want it. You go crazy trying to get. Then when it's given to you with (she leans down and whispers in his ear) the full passion of woman, a woman who loves to make you feel like a man by caressing you for hours with a delicate tongue and sensitive fingers exporing every nook and crany of your delicious body. LEONARD (riled) Stop, stop, such language, you should be ashamed. You kids today, no respect,no respect, when's the damn music coming MARY - (waking up) Music? Music? Are we gonna have music? whoppee (piano player enters) Jack (very exaggerated) Hey everybody. Are you ready for some music.- It's show time. I hope you all had a good month. Now it's time to forget your troubles come on get happy (starts to play and sing - MARY starts to keep time with her hands and feet - very animated compared to seconds ago - the music makes her young again - LEONARD smiles - he's content just to hear the music JANE starts to react to the music also, then kind of slows down her reaction) (piano player sings - MARY sings along, LEONARD just nods his head in approval and smiles, Emily shuffles across the room, sometimes in time to the music, she does a little turn and shows a bit of a dance step, then she suffles back and sits down. (Jack sings) 5 I can't give you anything but love, baby that's the only thing I've plenty of, baby, dream a while, scheme a while, you're sure to find happiness and I guess, all the things you've always dreamed of gee i'd like to see you looking swell, baby diamond bracelets woolworth doesn't sell baby till that lucky day you know darn well baby i can't give you anything but love (during the singing JANE starts to hand out drinks and cookies.) (piano player starts solo - lights fade on main stage lights come up on right side stage - its 1925- rudy vallee is singing "i can't give you anything but love" on the radio - MARY gets up from her wheel chair in the dark and now enters right side stage - looking the same physically but with spring in her step she's only 17- it's her bedroom, big old bed, dresser, furniture can be minimal to set the stage MARY (singing a long) dream a while scheme a while.(stops singing) Oh baby, you're sure to find - boy are you gonna find it today baby - I don't know why - but I feel different today - my body feels different - i'm in love (grabs her stuffed teddy, hugs it and swings around - she's more like 14 in this move) I'm in love.. .with the greatest guy in the world. He's perfect - perfect - perfect. I get these tingly feelings just thinking about him. And when he kisses me - whoa - stuff starts happening. I don't know what it is, but I like it - love it, love it love it - it's magic - makes me feel all grown up (knock on the window- she runs to it) MARY sweetheart what are you doing here ?- Are you crazy? - If mom and dad find you we are in TROUBLE BOYFRIEND (Leonard) (played by Leonard only made up now to look 20) - open the window, let me in, it's freezin out here (she opens the window - he climbs in he kisses her - she swoons) 6 MARY Oh darling, it seems like forever since I saw you. But why are you here, now, Boy if Mom and Dad find out we are BOYFRIEND (Leonard) Look, I just had to see you. I can;t get you out of my mind. (sings) for it was mary, mary, grand as any name can be. (stops singing) Grand as any babe can be. Pretty as a picture. MARY Oh, Lenny. You're not gonna start singing again. Someone will hear you. BOYFRIEND (Leonard) You know the only way to stop me from sing in to you (grabs her and kisses her again, more passion than the first time. They continue kissing as the lights fade on the right and come up on the left. sound changes from radio doing I can't give you anything but love to present day JACK Wow, that was a great song. You look like you're ready to dance around a bit. Here's my favorite dance song. I played this song last week and a woman told me they played this song at her wedding. Well, that's not unusual. I play a lot of songs people play at their wedding. No, she said. That was the only song they played at my wedding. We had a player piano and that was the only roll we had. Everybody was exausted after 15 minutes. (starts to play beer barrel polka) (plays a few bars then stops) I think it was the bride and groom stole the rest of the piano rolls and figured everybody would go home early so they could get on with the honeymoon (starts to play again) 7 (lights fade on left - back up on right - beer barrel polka is playing on radio. Leonard is getting dressed. Mary is laying in bed. MARY Wow. That was wonderful. It seemed so natural. I love you Lenny. You can sing to me anytime you like (whispers) only not now (giggles) don't start singing 0 Sole Mio (tickles him & giggles) Leonard Mary. Stop that. Don't make me laugh. Stop it. Don't get silly now. I better get out of here before we get caught. _ (Leonard moves toward the window. Mary gets out of bed and runs to him MARY Darling, don't be mad at me. I was just kidding. Don't be mad. Kiss me once before you go and never will I cry. Kiss me twice before you go and never will I die LEONARD I'm not mad. Stop being silly. I've got to go. (Kisses her once on the cheek) (climbs out the window) MARY - wow - wow - wow - wow - wow - wow - wow - wow -and whopee. life is so wonderful - I feel so alive (lights fade) main stage JACK - (finishing the song) - MARY is slumped over her chair again like before) - any requests - anyone have a favorite song - how about this one (starts singing) (Emily gets up and starts to dance, shuffle, move, across the room, then back again) when whippoorwill calls, and evening is nigh i hurry to my blue heaven just turn to the right and find a little white light that'll lead you to my blue heaven i see a smiling face, fireplace a cozy room a lithe nest that's nestled where the roses bloom just molly and me - and baby makes three we're happy in my blue heaven (STARTS piano solo - lights fade down then up on the right side stage someone is singing my blue heaven - live band at a dance hall - LEONARD is dancing - LEONARD Honey I just love this song. it's about you and me - (sings) just MARY and me and baby makes three (pats her on the belly when he sings baby) - wow honey, a new baby WIFE. (Mary only made up younger) yes darling, a new baby and a new life, for all of us, life, we made life - that's like what god does, (they dance some more then sit down) (not sure about this – refers to faust and it’s too obtuse) how did you like the show - I think its was based on that old Faust thing LEONARD. it was ok.i.'m not sure what it was all about but it was exciting - why didn't she go with him at the end? he offered her everything! WIFE. (slightly amused) yes, everything but real life -the devil would have been her master and that's not real life no matter how long it goes on even forever, especially forever, you know forever can be a long long time LEONARD. Yeh like that movie, that went on forever and it sure seemed like a long long time WIFE. honey, would you sell your soul for anything 9 LEONARD. Yeh I'd sell my soul for a good tango. (yells) Hey how about a good tango around here. (band starts to play a tango, Leonard and Mary get up to dance. It's obvious that they dance well together. Lights fade on right, up on left,piano player is finishing a tango -) JACK. all right- that was a great tune you asked for LEONARD - a good tango, now who else wants to hear something special - any more requests This is a great old tune, ( starts to play !auras' theme from dr. zhavago LEONARD hums along and gets a big smile. Emily gets up again) (HAROLD enters, about 50 ish, business suit with briefcase, walks up to MARY, he is oblivious to the music, the people around him and everything else) HAROLD Hi Mom, how are you doing. We need to talk mom. I've been hearing some things that are real disturbing, mom, mom? I wish you'd pay attention. Your lawyer called today. He said you made a new will. Mom, damn it, Mom will you stop that damn "i'm out of it "act. This is important. IMPORTANT MOM. I'm not leaving till you talk to me. (JANE walks over to him just as the song is finishing, she pushes in between HAROLD and MARY) JANE (very animated) MARY, why don't you ask him to play your song "i'll be loving you, always - c'mon MARY, shakes her, no response, c'mon MARY - you always want to hear him sing that song, it's your favorite, c'mon MARY, (shakes her more vigorously - looks concerned) (to JACK) go get a nurse, quick, tell her MARY's not responding, hurry - (she keeps trying to wake MARY up - takes her pulse, etc. lights fade) 10 scene 2 (same setting, next day) LEONARD is there and a new person in a wheel chair - JANE is getting the drink table ready, new pictures on the wall JACK walks in - goes up to JANE JACK Hey Jane. How you doin'. How's Mary. Gave me quite a scare yesterday. JANE Mary's still in the hospital , Jack. They took her away to emergency, but I haven’t heard anything yet. JACK yeh, she sure loved the music. she would come alive when I started to play, her feet would move, her hands would move, she'd sing, she'd dance if she could have. Sometimes she wouldn't remember who I was. She'd say "have you been here before? I like MARY, that's my name, MARY, not contrary, just old MARY" - then she'd fade away until I started playing - then bingo - she was up and at'em JANE you know there is a rumor going around. She told everybody you and she were lovers a long time ago, like when you were 20 and she was 40 something JACK you've got to be kidding JANE no serious business JACK that's nuts - hey everybody, it's show time (talking to the residents) hey everybody, here we go again, lets take that magic trip on a sailing ship - starts playing Ain't She Sweet (Emily gets up and starts her shuffle) Ain't She Sweet See her walkin down the street Now I ask you very confidentially Ain't she sweet Ain't she nice Look her over once or twice Now I ask you very confidentially Ain't she nice Just cast an eye In her direction Now me oh my Ain't that perfection I repeat, Don't you think she's kind of sweet Now I ask you very confidentially Ain't she sweet. (lights go down on the left stage - up on the rights, ain't she sweet is playing on the radio - it's the beach on a hot summer day LEONARD is in his bathing suit ((in his head - he's really still in his normal clothes)) he's flirting with a lady laying under an umbrella - he's dancing to the song and showing off his body and talent LEONARD Boy, it sure is a hot day Lady (played by JANE) yeh, but not hot enough, if you know what I mean (stroking the sand) JACK wow! yeah, I know what you mean - boy do I know what you mean - but i've got this kid here, he's out swimming in the water so I can't go anywhere Lady we don't have to go anywhere, really - just over there (points to pier pilings) just c'mon and help me with this here blow up toy - now if you just stand behind me, we can see how to get this to inflate to it's proper size (looks toward the water, looks at the woman, looks toward the water, lights go down, come up on left stage end of "ain't she sweet" JACK all right! that was fun, eh LEONARD, where did you go LEONARD? she was so sweet she put you - (starts playing "in the mood") (detective walks in and interrupts) Detective all right, allright, lets quiet down a bit. Are you JACK Simmons JACK yes Detective Then I must inform you that you are under arrest for the theft of MARY Knoles’s diamond ring, you have the right to remain silent, etc. JACK (interupts) yeh, I know that bit. What is this? Detective grand theft is what it is – off a lady who was having a heart attach – man that is cold. She had it on when she came into the room and it was gone before she went to the hospital. You were right there when she went into distress and then the ring was gone. Explain that? (lights darken) scene 3 (police station -desk in a bare room - police calls on the radio, JACK and JANE are seated in chairs facing the desk, waiting for the officer) JACK what the hell is going on here JANE remember that rumor I told you about, you and MARY, maybe they believe i 13 JACK so what, that's no reason to steal from someone - supposed I did sleep with her 30 years ago. I may have and don't remember.- Where was she 30 years ago? Where was I? In college scoring every chance I could. I did my share. Thats what we were supposed to do back then. But Mary. I think I would remember. But I don't know her last name and I didn't know the last names, or the first names, of many of the woman I slept with. But that was 30 years ago. What could that have to do with yesterday. She doesn't remember yesterday let alone 30 years ago. This just doesn't make sense. (detective enters) Detective I'll tell you what doesn't make sense. Why would am 80 year old woman decide to leave her entire fortune - and we're talking fortune - 5 million pazolas - why did she change her will to leave her entire fortune to --- a piano player $5 million JACK $5 million dollars. What the hell is going on here. She had a will? Detective Don't play dumb with me. She told everybody about your affair when you were in college. Everybody knew she was going to leave you money, her son HAROLD knew, the nurse knew, nobody knew how much. But they all knew. All of it does seem a bit excessive, don't you think? But you couldn’t wait for the will. After all, she might not die for a long time. So you slipped her ring off while everyone else was dealing with her emergency. JACK I don't know what you are talking about (to JANE) Do you know what they are talking about? JANE no. I never heard anything about you and her till this morning Detective Did she ever say anything to you about the money? 14 JACK I don't know. She said something one time about lots of money and I told her I didn't need any money and she started calling me wacky JACKY. She said lots of stuff. If I told you what some of these woman say to me you wouldn't believe it, Detective So you admit taking advantage of them JACK whoa .l’m the only one that relates to them - I play music for them that makes them happy, the only thing in their lives that makes them happy, Their kids don't make them happy. They never come to see them and when they do show up they talk down to them, around them, anywhere but to them. The staff don't make them happy. Some try but they're overworked, underpaid and just not able to give these folks what they need. A reason to live. And it ain't their job. It's sort of my job I give them a reason to live, why would I want to steal from one of them. And right in front of everyone. It doesn’t make any sense Detective for $100,000 dollars. That’s what that ring was worth. She never took it off and then it disappeared right after you ran to her when she fainted. She changed her will last year and named you as beneficiary. Of course it probably won't stand up in court. Sounds like she lost it a long time ago. But maybe you thought you’d grab what you could now and not wait.. JACK I didn't know about any ring, money or any will. All I knew was a sweet old lady who like to sing and would go in and out while I played. That's all I knew. No ring. No will. No money. No nothin. Anyway, I don't need the money. I make enough. Detective And we have your word for that. That should hold up in court. Your honor. He said he didn't know and we believe him cause why would he lie. Not for 5 million dollars or even $100,000 ring He's a saint? He don't need the money. You had motive means and opportunity. You'd better call a lawyer scene 4 - activity room (JACK walks into activity room, LEONARD is there) JACK Hey LEONARD, how are you doing? 15 LEONARD How am I doing? How are you doing? What's with this theft thing. They don't really think you did it do they? JACK Yes they do. LEONARD That's crazy.- Her son.- Now he could have tried to kill her.. Especially after he found out about the money.- Wow, are you going to get that money? That's a lot of money. JACK The will. He knew about the will.- Everybody knew but me. LEONARD Yeh. He knew. He came in ranting and raving about this will. Like he needs the money. Hell, I know why she did it.- He only came to see what he could get off her and she knew it.- You gave her life.- You gave her memories. He gave her nothing but heartache. For years and years.-She used to look forward to your coming here. Sometimes that was the only thing that brought her to reality. Without the music, she was a house plant. JACK What did she say to him about the will? LEONARD She did the fade out thing. She always did the fade out thing.- Just mumble something and nod off.- Sometimes I thought she was faking but could never prove it.- It was convenient. We all have our devices. JACK Well, it's time to play. Thanks for the info. I don't know what it means but it's something. I'll play one of your favorites till everybody gets here. Starts to play It Had To Be You
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around, and I finally found
The somebody who
Could make me be true
And could make me be blue
And even be glad
Just to be sad - thinking of you
Some others I've seen
Might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I love you still
It had to be you
Wonderful you
It had to be you
16 (lights fade down on left - up on right - LEONARD gets up and moves into lit scene - he's singing acapella, he gets interrupted by MARY, its the same MARY as before, in her old clothes- he sings to her and she smiles LEONARD Oh, Mary. You are so beautiful. You inspire me so sing from my heart. You make the world seem like a chocolate candy for me, delicious, delectable, but always with a surprise. I never know what's going to happen. That scares me. But I love it. MARY Leonard, I surprise myself. I don't know why I act the way I do. I just do. LEONARD (SINGS) I don't know why I love you like I do, I don't know why I just do I don't know why you thrill me like you do, I don't know why you just do. You never want to here my romancin The only time you hold me is when we're dancing (grabs her and starts to dance, lights fade on right, up on left, Jack is finishing singing JACK i don't know why I just do> (when the lights come back to real time Leonard is sobbing) scene 5- Activity Room (Jane is sitting at her desk doing paper work, phone rings) JANE Hi, Yes this is Jane. Yes, I'm in charge of all the activities here. No, we don't use jugglers or clowns. We don't use opera singers either. We love animal acts and musicians. Especially musicians, we do love our musicians. (LEONARD enters) LEONARD Hi Jane, how you doing? 17 JANE How am I doing? Let's see. Mrs. Murphy died last night. Woman hasn't said a word to me for 6 months. Last night she starts to talk to me. Tells me about her family, her lovers, her dreams, then she died. Right in the middle of telling me about the time the old man was (whoever he was) was going to ....I don't know, she didn't finish. She just lay there and died. Then there's Emily. She gets up, she sits down, she gets up, she walks over there, she sits down, she gets up, she walks over her, she sits down, she drives me crazy. She never stops doing nothing. Then there's this Mary thing. Who could have stolen her diamond ring? There's Jack. But I don't really think he could have done it. He really doesn't care about money and I know he loved all the people here. He would talk about them for hours. Every day was a new adventure from the sublime to the absurd. Sublime to see the looks on the people when he would play something like 0 Solo Mio and a tiny Italian lady would just nod her head like she was listening to Caruso, then, when he was finished and packing up, she would sing the whole song in a tiny voice and everybody would applaud, then there was the old black woman talking the blues while he's singing the song, 'talk to me, talk to me, ... you tell 'em honey, that's right, you tell 'em'. She's listening to Muddy Waters, she's 25 years old, in some dark bar, listening to some factory worker play the blues on his Saturday gig. Jack loves what he does. And, anyway, he's not the type to steal for love or money. So who? LEONARD yeh. He's just mean enough to do it. He was really angry about the will. JANE Hell, he could have done it to make sure he got something out her out. He may have just flipped You've been here longer than Mary, almost 20 years since that accident. It's a shame you didn't have someone to help out over the years. I don't think anyone has come to see you for as long as I've been here and that's over 10 years. Wow, what a bitch. LEONARD Thanks for your daily reminders. You have such a mean side. 18 JANE Mean? How could I possibly have a mean side. I'm here every day, 10 hours a day at least, cheering you and everybody else up around here. I'm Miss happy,happy,happy. Didn't I just give you quite a rise the other day. You know you love it when I talk dirty. You eat it up just like you wished you could eat it up right now. But you're a little too old for me, and way to inexperienced after what you told me. Sounds like you only got laid about 3 times in your whole damn life LEONARD Hey, it was more than three times. JANE Three, thirty or three hundred. You didn't get nearly enough, You think about it all the time. All the women you didn't get. Why did you stay with that crazy lady for 40 years if she didn't put out at least once in a while. What kind of man are you. Not much of one any more and not much chance for improvement. But maybe, one of these days. LEONARD You are terrible. (Jane leaves, gives Leonard a wink and tongue action) Wow, she is quite something. So who did do it. Maybe Jane, she's as crazy as the rest of us here. After 10 years, she's bound to be a little nuts. Crazy enough to steal from Mary. Why? She talked about Mrs Murphy telling her her whole life, like a confession before she died. Maybe Jane thinks she's a bit closer to god than the rest of us. Doing god's work, as it were. And needed a little extra compensation. Doing the devils works is what it is. Maybe she thinks she's doing the devils works and wants to. Maybe she's one of them devil worshipers. The way she talks about sex is pretty bad. She could be one of them mercy killing nurses. I'd better be careful of her. (Looks around, sees Emily walking by) scene 6 (HAROLD, MARY's son walks into the activity room and is greeted by LEONARD) LEONARD Well. Well. It can't be me you're coming to see. HAROLD Yes. Its you. Don't you think it's time we stopped this ridiculous feud. Dad its been over 20, years. LEONARD What do you want? It must be the money. That's all you ever wanted from me or anyone else. Money,money,money. So, do you really need the $5 mill that bad that you'd actually talk to your father? You know she might recover and live another 10 years so you might be jumping the gun. Did you steal the ring just to get something now in case Jack is really the rightful heir? Why the hell are you here? HAROLD Dad, look, I just want to visit with you and talk about mom. LEONARD You want to visit and talk about mom, with me. After you put her in this home knowing how she still hated me, knowing all the bitterness of the last 20 years, out of all the nursing homes in the world, you put her in mine. I can't leave. I can't even take a shit without help. Now at least, she's not here for a while and I don't have to see her and feel the pain and guilt, I only have to live in this hell hole of a life with a body that doesn't work, a brain that is mush and a heart that's been broken every single day for the past god knows how long. The one good thing about this place is you lose all track of time. Is it in hour, a day, a year, it's always always. You want to talk, watch this, it's a trick I learned from your mother (he fades away and slumps in his chair) HAROLD Dad, dad, are you all right? (JACK enters) JACK What's the matter, LEONARD, what's happening LEONARD Nothin much. Just playing a bit. There ain't much to do in here. HAROLD Get away from him. Are you going steal something from him in too? JACK Who are you? HAROLD I'm LEONARD's son. He's my father JACK (to LEONARD) His father. You're his father? LEONARD (nods his head) Yeah, I'm out of the closet. I'm a father. HAROLD Get away from him. You stole my mother’s ring and forced her to change her will you son of bitch. JACK His mother? MARY?, LEONARD, MARY was your WIFE? Your WIFE? LEONARD Well sort of. Ex-WIFE for over 20 years. We hadn't spoken in a long time. And she didn't remember anything so what would be the point of anyone knowing. If she didn't know it didn't matter. And this piece of trash hasn't spoken to me for over 20 years. HAROLD (to Jack) Look, will you get out of here or do I have to call someone JACK Who you gonna call? Ghost busters? The piano player hit squad?- Let's rid the world of this scourge of humanity. HAROLD Look, i'm not kidding - I don't want you near my father LEONARD Oh great. Now you're running my life. I like this. Nothing for 20 years then - bingo - total control. You little shit.- You really do amaze me.(to JACK) He wants to grill me about MARY and her will. Seems he was gonna get the $5 mill till you showed up. You'd better look out. He might have stolen the ring just to frame you. HAROLD And you could have stolen that ring from her you old bastard just to make her life more miserable- just like you almost killed me at the beach LEONARD what beach? HAROLD The day I almost drowned. You know the day. Not very important to you, but I never was LEONARD I always loved you. HAROLD You call that love. You're making eyes at some lady and I almost drown. LEONARD I didn't know you were drowning. HAROLD Yes, that's the point. You were so lost in your shorts you forgot about me LEONARD I didn't forget. I head you calling, I thought it was the old "cry wolf' routine. you always did to get attention. I didn't think you were really in trouble. HAROLD Dad, I was 7 years old in the ocean by myself. You forgot about me. You just wanted to get laid. Admit it. Damn it. You weren't even gonna get it.- It was just in your head. You almost let me drown so you could play out some fantasy escapade in the your head LEONARD That's not true. 22 HAROLD You didn't even see the lifeguard bring me in. They had to look for you. Maybe I was wrong.- Maybe you did score.- Maybe you scored bigtime.- Wow, what a stud. Look, we have to talk about mom. This will doesn't make sense. You and me should split the money, That's what she would have wanted. LEONARD She said what she wanted - she wanted to give it all to JACK. Sounds good to me. I like him a whole lot more than I ever liked you. HAROLD (storms out) You damn old fool. You know better than anyone she was in no condition to change her will. This bastard forced her into it.. If he goes to jail for stealing her ring, I get the money without your help and you'll just rot in this place till you die LEONARD From your lips to God's ears. The sooner the better. (a few more people come in and Jack intgroduces Que Sera Sera
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here's what my sweetheart said
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera
(end of Act 1) Act 2 scene 1 (Mary is sitting on her bed from the first scene. She looks like she did earlier (except she's in a coma in the hospital) 23 MARY Wow, you know I never knew that was Leonard. All those years and the object of my dissatisfaction was right there all the time. Here I was playing these elaborate scenes in my head about how I could somehow pay him back and I was already doing it just by being there. Drove him crazy. Poor fella. After all the things he did to me. He deserves what he gets. I hope he lives for years and years. A long, boring, meaningless, helpless, painful (aside) I guess that's enough) life. Oh, you thought I'd be a saint by now. After all I'm not dead. Funny thing about this coma thing - it doesn't seem to happen all that fast. After all, here I am talking to you. If I was dead I couldn't do that. But I'm not alive like I was - well that wasn't really alive - what did he say, house plant - that about sums it up. No movement, No thought, just emotion. It was like being a plant right under the airport runway. Every 5 minutes all hell breaks loose and you can't do anything about it. This is much better. I'm so glad I did it. Oh, you didn't know. I did it. I stashed the ring in the plant by the door as they were wheeling me out. Thought it would shake things up a bit. Never thought they would blame Jack. Everybody saw it at one time or another. In the teddy bear. Old Edgar Allen Poe taught me that one. I learned so much from those great books I read - then I met Leonard and my life stopped. Went into this suspended animation. Another thing about this coma thing - I can see my whole life and it's pretty scary. I threw all those years away to get laid. Once we did it I had to stay with him or be a whore, and I couldn't do that to Mom and Dad. He was a pig, no, not a pig. Just ignorant. He really didn't know any better. That day at the beach when he almost let Harry drown because he was getting his dick massaged by some old-has-been-never-was-bitch, he couldn't help it. Oh yeh, the language. It's kind of open season here. Like anything that I want to be. Like someone who can curse like a sailor. It's a linguistic thing. You see. I can think about things. Make jokes in my head. Be sacrilegious. Anything I want now. And now I like to talk like Jane. She has such a clear way of expressing herself don't you think?. And god knows I heard her filthy mouth often enough to be forced to find the beauty in it or go nuts. Of course I was already nuts. It's just a figure of speach. So, I did it. I stashed the ring. I didn't really think there would be a mystery. I thought I was going to die. People die there all the time. Nobody makes a fuss. They wheel them out, they wheel them in. The assembly line of old farts (and lots of fresh farts) never stops. You'll see. What are you now? 30, 50. It's right around the corner for you. Let's see. Some of you will be hurt in some accident or another and join the ranks pretty soon. Yes, the gentlemen in the third row. Drive real careful tonight. You have a date with destiny and she's been waiting a while to find the right moment. That curve that you like to power through has bit of slick on it tonight. Keep it under 70. The rest of you will work hard at staying alive for as long as you can. But the body or the mind always give out eventually. Sooner or later, you're gonna wind up here, in Hell Hole # 1. You better hope its your mind. At least I didn't know most of what was happening the last few years. It was all a blur. I felt a lot. But I didn't really know what was happening. But Leonard. Now he's in up to his armpits, or up to his chin actually. Everytime he takes a deep breath he smells shit. That's a hard way to go. And a long way to go. He's not sick enough to die, well enough to live or crazy enough to take the plunge. (lights go down, come up on left stage) Jane is leading a sing-a-long with the lyrics up on a screen like karaoke
Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we'll travel along singing a song
Side by side
Don't know what's coming tomorrow
Maybe it's trouble and sorrow
But we'll travel the road sharin' our load
Side by side
Through all kind of weather
What if the sky should fall
As long as we're together
It doesn't matter at all
When they've all had their quarrels and parted
We'll be the same as we started
Just to travel along singing a song
Side by side
When they've all had their quarrels and parted
We'll be the same as we started
Just to travel along singing a song
Side by side
LEONARD (singing) But we'll travel along, singing a song side by side. JANE Hey Leonard, now you're the one singing all the time. Are you taking Mary's place as the resident musicologist? LEONARD No, it just helps to pass the time. So, what's new in the case of the stolen ring. You still think Jack didn't do it. 24 JANE I don't know what to think. What about this thing about him and her having a fling when he was in college. He was about 20. I think he was back East. Where were you and Mary 30 years ago? LEONARD What are you talking about. Jack and Mary? 30 years ago? That is nuts. She never cheated on me when we were married. After that I don't know. But that was 20 years ago and we hadn't had sex for years. So I just can't see her with Jack (lights down to about half - Jane and leonard stop - lights up on left stage, Mary is sitting on the bed MARY Will you listen to that shit. N0000. I never cheated on him. What a sap. But Jack? No. I just like to think about it cause he made me really happy. The only one. That will thing. I never thought they would take me seriously. But if I could have I would have left everything to Jack, good old Jacky, not-so-wacky Jacky. He really made me happy. I would sing along. He'd sing and play. Tell stories. Make us laugh. Make us cry too. When he would play 0 Sole Mio and I would think about how Lenny would sing to me (sings) 0 Sole Mio. I would break down, but I was happy too. Happy to relive some of my life, especially some of the good stuff. Even if it made me cry now. At least it happened. I was alive before. Somebody loved me. Loved me enough to sing to me and make a complete fool of himself every time he did it. (lights down on right - up on left) JANE Well, maybe you didn't know about her affairs. She wouldn't come right out and say,"hey, Lenny, guess what I did today? Met this gorgeous guy at the market. We spent the afternoon in the sack. Had a great time too. I was screaming. You should take some lessons. Maybe our sex life would pick up to the point where we had one." LEONARD Will you stop that? Jane, damn it. You drive me crazy with that talk. And don't talk about MARY like that. JANE Like what? Like sexual. Like with real feelings. You always told me about this wife of yours that was a cold fish. Nice person, but no passion. That doesn't match up with Mary. She had a lot a passion. You could see it in how she reacted to the music. She loved to sing and make jokes. She was as full of life as she could be, considering she was almost brain dead. So what was with this wife of yours who never liked to have fun. LEONARD She may have been a fun lovin old lady, but she was cold to me. Every night we would get into bed, and every night there was another reason why we couldn't or shouldn't make love. It made me so crazy. Yeh, I fooled around. But what was I supposed to do. Only get laid 5 times in my life and never know what real sex was all about. That didn't seem fair. She really gave me no choice. If she was out there fooling around too then we REALLY didn't know each other at all. (lights down on left - up on right) MARY Well, well, well. He had a thought. Something actually stirred his brain to think. Amazing. I don't think I had a real conversation with that man for 40 years. All he ever cared about was how he looked, how much money he had, and, i guess, whether he was ever gonna get laid again. Now he realizes maybe we really didn't know each other. I would try to sit him down, night after night and say 'Lenny, we have to talk about stuff once in a while. Life can't just be hello and goodbye. At least we don't really fight. We snap at each other. But let's talk about something, anything.' I got nothin. Talk about your house plant. I had a house plant that knew how to go to work and knew how to sleep and did damn little else. (lights down on right, up on left) JANE Who ever knows anybody. I'm starting to really wonder if anything good can come on any relationship. You know there's only four things that can happen when you sleep with somebody new. He likes her, She doesn't like him. Waste of time and nothing but trouble - stalkers, hasslers, etc. Number 2, she likes him, he doesn't like her. More trouble. She moons after him, makes him feel guilty. Number 3, they don't like each other. Just a waste of time, at least it's usually over pretty quick. They usually don't get married. Number 4, they both like each other. Now, there's real trouble. They have a relationship. They go on a trip that always ends with reality. Now, do they really like each other. Do they sit and talk for hours about everything. Or do they just exist with this other person so that they have somebody. It starts out with somebody to make love with and feel close to. But that usually goes first. They wind up with somebody to either fight with or ignore. Either case its a dead end. LEONARD Yeh, we were number 2 I think. She really fell for me in a big way and I really felt bad about breaking her heart. And in those days, when we had sex together it was a really big thing. If I didn't marry her, she would have been disgraced. Or at least, that's what we thought. (lights down on left, up on right) MARY Do I believe my ears. Lenny is actually realizing we made a big mistake. The only reason he married me was to save my reputation. Give me a break. He never cared about anybody but himself. He may believe that crap, but it ain't true. He married me because I loved to make love to him. It was really wonderful at first. I don't know what happened. We were really couple number 4, he likes her, she likes him, first comes love, then comes trouble. Now, watch this. We can do some amazing things here. Now, first i'll say 'you know, Mary was really a wonderful lady. I guess I really loved her." (lights down on right, up on left) LEONARD You know, Mary was really a wonder ful lady. I guess I really loved her. 27 JANE Yes, Sometimes we do realize that too late to do anything about it. Speak of the ... uh (jack enters) JACK devil? devil? you too? Jane, you don't really believe I did it JANE No, we were just talking about lost loves, and you showed up and caught me by surprise. JACK Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to jump at you. I just can't get this stealing thing off my mind. JANE Anything new? Do they still think you did it. JACK Yes, they still think I did it. But something good has come of it. JANE What? JACK They threw this will out. Everybody that looked at the situation thought it was ridiculous that a woman with diagnosed alzheimer's could be , allowed to arbitrarily change her will. Make's sense to me. So they agree that I don't seem nuts enough to believe that the will would stand up in court, therefore, I didn't really have a motive to think I was due anything of hers, like the ring, therefore, I probably didn't do it. But they still won't let me leave town. JANE That's OK with me. I'd like to not let you leave my bed for about three days to make up for lost time so I could remind you of my charms. JACK Don't start now. The last thing I need is to get all that stuff stired up again. JANE Oh, what stuff is that. Is it that lovey-dovey stuff that you used to love so much. What was that story you used to tell them about George Gershwin and how he used to make time with the ladies and when he got them alone at about two in the morning, with a glass of wine, he would look at them and say' oh, I just got inspired to write a song' and he'd walk over to the piano and noodle around a little bit and then say ' I've got it' and then you'd start to sing (sings) I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie All the day and nighttime, here me sigh I never had the least notion, that I could fall with so much emotion I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie All the day and night-time hear me sigh I never had the least notion That I could fall with so much emotion
Could you coo, could you care
For a cunning cottage that we could share
The world will pardon my mush
'Cause I have got a crush, my baby on you
(as she sings they start to dance together and dance from the left side to the right side. the lights follow them and come down on the left, up on the right, Sarah Vaughn is singing "I've Got a crush on you " JACK I just love holding you. JANE It is pretty wonderful. JACK (singing along) I never had the least notion, I could fall with so much emotion. JANE I just love when you do this song now. I get so wet, its hard for me not to start making noises. And you know what happens when I start making noises. (lights down on left, but not all the way, we can still here the song playing and see them dancing - lights up on the right. Mary is sitting in the activity directors chair) MARY Hey I'm over, Reality, what is reality. Sometimes my dreams were more real than reality. Jack and Jane really do seem suited for each other. Maybe I should work a little magic. We get to do that here. For a while. The it's on to bigger and better things. The next great adventure into life and death. But we are responsible for what happens. So I don't want to work magic if they're just gonna wind up like me and Lenny. That would be cruel. So how do I know if they are really for each other? We could take a poll. How many want them to wind up together? Lets see some hands. I'm not kidding. Do you think Jack and Jane have a chance at real love, a lifetime of sharing, or not. Lets get with it. We have a play to put on here. Hands up if you think Jack and Jane should get together? Lets see...., ain't it a bitch. I still need my goddamn glasses. Now that just don't make sense. I've to talk to somebody about that. (lights down on left, up on right, Jack and Jane are dancing, they dance back to the left side, Jack is singing JACK the world will pardon my mush, but I have got a crush, my baby on you. Yeh, we still have that little magic something. I don't know what it is or where it could go. But it's definitly there now. Now don't start with the 'lets go into my office routine. That's all I'd need now is to get caught "taking advantage of another woman, what a cad". I'd be back in the slammer. JANE No, I won't pressure you. But it sure would be nice again. And maybe we could do better. This whole Mary and Leonard thing has really gotten to me. There were two people who had spent a lifetime together living in the same house and not knowing each other. Yeh he knew who she was, but he didn't really know her at all. And she didn't have a clue. There has got to be a better way. And we have a pretty good head start on somethings. You've got to admit. We are great together. JACK Yes, we're great together, but, lets not go too fast here. Lets let the dust settle from the mystery. Right now I'm still in it too much to think heavy. 30 (lights down on left, up on right) MARY He'll wait until hell freezes over if its up to him. I'm gonna have to do something. OK. Now, lets see the nays. Who doesn't want them to get together. How many of you really think there is no true love for Jack and Jane. At least not this time around. (giggles to herself) Boy could I tell you stuff. But we're not allowed. It's really strict. I'm not really supposed to be talking to you now. I could really be that house plant if I get caught.